Jokes

[Kareem]

zdrillic- he was sayin in newspaper talking up Sydney's depth- am I missing something- what depth? As bad as a news columinst as a player

 

[clarence]

speaking of zdrillic- he was sayin in newspaper talking up Sydney's depth- am I missing something- what depth? As bad as a news columinst as a player

Aaah?  ??? Wrong Thread Kareem? Or are you referring to Sydney, Zdrillic and Sydney's depth as a joke (which they all are)  ?

 

[Kareem]

oops- sorry
i logged in but I thought I was in a different thread- oh well it was pretty funny IMO!

 

[RADINHO]

Zdrillic is a joke

 

[BrisRecky]

People were in their pews talking at church.  Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.  Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,  trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
  oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
 
  So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'
 
  The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
 
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
 
  'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
   
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
 
'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
 
  'Yep,' was the calm reply.
 
  'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
 
  'Nope,' said the old man.
 
  More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
 
  The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'

 

[Pokes]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman, and your brother.




-------------------------------


A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

(Yeah ok, so wrong cause I love seals....but....yeah)


and I had another one but may be too offensive

 

[rosko]

One of the girls I know sent this one to me, I don't know what she was trying to tell me..  :-X

To the tune of "I Will Survive"

SING IT GIRLS!!!



At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that
I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

 

[hasbeen]

A pie walks into a bar and says "Pint and a packet of crisps please". The barman says "Sorry, but we don't serve food". 

 

[Pokes]

Why did God put men on earth?

Cause a Vibrator can't mow the lawn...

 

[Sym]

what floats your boat

 

[T]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

 

[BiggusMickus]

Q. What's worse than being pissed off?

A. Being pissed on.

 

[T]

Giving Up Wine




I was walking down the street when I was

accosted

by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

homeless woman who asked me for a couple of

dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and

asked,

'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with

it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the

homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying

food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless

woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying

to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of

food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.

I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the

money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for

dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your

husband be furious with you for doing that? I know

I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see

what a woman looks like after she has given up

shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

 

[BiggusMickus]

Offside definition

Definition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.

Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket

Definition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.

A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.

All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.

 

[BiggusMickus]

Three Newcastle Jets fans were bemoaning the fact that their team kept losing and was facing the wooden spoon.

"I blame Con Constantine" said the first, "if he would sign new players then we could be a great side"

"I blame the players" said the second, "if they made more effort I am sure we would score more goals"

"I blame my parents", added the third, " if I'd been born in Gosford I'd be supporting a decent team!

 

[Capn Gus Bloodbeard]

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Bunnings Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th.

Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

 

[~Floss~]

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Bunnings Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th.

Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. you're going to Bunnings

 

[midfielder]

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Bunnings Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th.

Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

What Bunnings do you shop at and do you shop on the weekend .........  ;D

 

[hasbeen]

Whats 13" long, silver and the worst possible thing you can find at the end of your daughters bed?

Gary Glitter's boots

 

[trev]

i will take a fake wallet to that bunnings store where abouts is this bunnings store btw jks lol