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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
- Start date
bjw
bjw
Three ducks walk into a bar.
The bar tender turns to the first duck and says "Hello, whats your name?"
"Huey" replied the duck.
"How was your day, Heuy?"
"I had a great day, been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
The bar tender turned to the second duck and asked, "Hello, whats your name?"
"My name is Dewey", replied the duck.
"And how has your day been?"
"I had a fantastic day, been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
Then, the barman turned to the third duck and said, "and you must be Louie?"
"No" she replied.. "Im puddles"...
The bar tender turns to the first duck and says "Hello, whats your name?"
"Huey" replied the duck.
"How was your day, Heuy?"
"I had a great day, been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
The bar tender turned to the second duck and asked, "Hello, whats your name?"
"My name is Dewey", replied the duck.
"And how has your day been?"
"I had a fantastic day, been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
Then, the barman turned to the third duck and said, "and you must be Louie?"
"No" she replied.. "Im puddles"...
Marinerchick
Well-Known Member
BAD BULLZ said:
i gotter stop dad from sending you jokes eggy
T
Well-Known Member
woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The man must marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The man must marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Hagar the Horrible
Well-Known Member
Q. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Mother Teresa?
A. Mother Teresa died a virgin.
A. Mother Teresa died a virgin.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
*********************************
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -
She is a "BREASTED AUSTRALIAN"
2. She is not "EASY" -
She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE"
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -
She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY"
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" -
She is simply a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
5 She does not "NAG" you -
She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT WHORE" -
She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" -
He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY"
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" -
He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN"
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -
He just "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS"
4. He is not "BALDING" -
He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" -
He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION"
6. It's not his "ASS CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
*********************************
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -
She is a "BREASTED AUSTRALIAN"
2. She is not "EASY" -
She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE"
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -
She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY"
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" -
She is simply a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
5 She does not "NAG" you -
She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT WHORE" -
She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" -
He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY"
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" -
He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN"
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -
He just "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS"
4. He is not "BALDING" -
He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" -
He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION"
6. It's not his "ASS CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
Alicia
Well-Known Member
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working..
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working..
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
T
Well-Known Member
IDIOTS OF 2008..
Number One Idiot of 2008:
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants...
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away...
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride...
Number Two Idiot of 2008:
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them... It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated...
They are no longer employed at Boeing...
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run...
Number Three Idiot of 2008:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote this. 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a NASB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ...
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland...
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number Four Idiot of 2008:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $140 and a photo of his car.. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140...
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs... He immediately mailed in his $140...
Wise guy........ but you still get a sign.
Number Five Idiot of 2008:
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk...
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot...
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later...
This guy definitely needs a sign.
Idiot Number Six of 2008:
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him...
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
Idiot Number Seven of 2008:
Perth WA ... Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly... He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window...
The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape...
Yep, Here's your sign...
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Cattle Crossing sign on our road...
The reason: 'Too many Cattle are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'
IDIOT IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger...
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.. He was a Chef??? Yep...From Surfers Paradise Qld!!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge??
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know??'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne Vic...
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street & I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine...
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for...
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red...
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving??!'
She was a probation officer in Adelaide SA...
Number One Idiot of 2008:
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants...
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away...
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride...
Number Two Idiot of 2008:
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them... It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated...
They are no longer employed at Boeing...
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run...
Number Three Idiot of 2008:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote this. 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a NASB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ...
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland...
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number Four Idiot of 2008:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $140 and a photo of his car.. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140...
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs... He immediately mailed in his $140...
Wise guy........ but you still get a sign.
Number Five Idiot of 2008:
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk...
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot...
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later...
This guy definitely needs a sign.
Idiot Number Six of 2008:
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him...
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
Idiot Number Seven of 2008:
Perth WA ... Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly... He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window...
The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape...
Yep, Here's your sign...
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Cattle Crossing sign on our road...
The reason: 'Too many Cattle are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'
IDIOT IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger...
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.. He was a Chef??? Yep...From Surfers Paradise Qld!!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge??
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know??'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne Vic...
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street & I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine...
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for...
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red...
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving??!'
She was a probation officer in Adelaide SA...
W
Wilson
Guest
Alicia said:Okay, so this isn't really a joke, but I didn't want to start a new thread.
For all those that had the joy of growing up on the Central Coast....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You had a birthday party at Froggy's
You have been to Troppo
You have had your arse squeezed at Troppo
You have squeezed someone's arse at Troppo
You have given up and walked home after waiting 2 hours for a cab at 2 am out the front of Troppo
You remember Perry's at Terrigal
What the hell is The Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza? It's called Pepper's
You have had a night out in Sydney, caught the train to Gosford, fallen asleep and woken up in Newcastle
You have had a night out in sydney, get the train, wake up in Newcastle, get back on the train and wake up in sydney again.
You laugh at tourists swimming in warm seedy waters of Terrigal Lagoon
As a kid you swam in the warm seedy waters of Terrigal Lagoon
You were once an Erina Fair mall rat
You have put detergent in the fountain at Fountain Plaza
You can't believe what a rip off it is to get into Largo...but you do it anyway.
The Central Coast Highway will always be The Entrance Rd
You got a wedgie from sliding down the Kamakazi water slide at Forresters Beach but still kept doing it.
You know the difference between Red Bus and White Bus
You have used the saying 'lets do a lap of Terrigal"
You have no idea who the Mayor is.
You get Gosford jokes
You refer to the thai retsaurants in Terrigal as 'the alley one, the upstairs one, the dark one, and Sticky Rice'
Laycock isn't a dirty phrase
You secretly know that Kibble park is not actually a park, but a derro/bogan den!
You know the bottom pub at the Entrance is ok, the top pub is not.
You know that the Reptile Park dinosaur's name is Ploddy.
You knew KFC wouldn't last in Terrigal.
You believe Wyong shouldn't really be a part of the Central Coast
You were proud to have the largest single level shopping centre in the Southern Hemisphere
You never expect to rely on public transport timetables
You played spot the aussie on your first trip to Sydney
You didn't go for a drive to Crackneck or The Skillion for 'the view'
You were suprisingly upset when "Eric" passed away and tried to get a sick day from work (while being in another state) to pay your respects (It didn't work, but it was a nice try)
You had your first pash at the Blue Light Disco!
You laughed when all the media was talking about Iggies like it was this upmarket place...
You threw up at The Entrance carnival...
You remember Old Sydney Town
You had to listen to 2GO to find out if your sports carnival was still on
You shared a goon bag at the top of the rocket in the lions park before the blue light.. (before they bolted the top level!!)
You've jumped off the entrance bridge, ...watch out for the trolleys!!
You remember that Westfields was once just scrub and paddocks...
You remember the old tuggerah station with the little cardboard tickets and the boom gates...
You used to do your shopping at Franklins BIG FRESH in Gosford marketplace cuz it was the best on the coast especially when they started opening on Sundays! whoaaaa
You have a severe binge drinking problem that refuses to go away....
You remember that Venture was downstairs at market place and oscars was an awesome place to eat after shopping!
You remember the entrance water slides...
You remember when SeaFM was Coast Rock FM.
You remember when 2GO was on 801 AM
You went to sylvesters even though you knew it was a dive!
You take pride in the fact that the central coast is refered to as 'Mt Druitt by the Sea'
You shake your head @ all the wannabe gangs around the coast such as T-Unit, U.B.C., Ra Boys, Coppa Crew and think it's a tad silly
Your big night out was the village twin cinemas in gosford then hung out the front till 11 and then caught a train home
On a boiling summer day you went to the big freezer in Jewels to cool down
You've climbed from Terrigal to the haven via the rocks
You vomited from all you can eat Pizza Hut or Sizzler at Gosford.
Someone in your family always has their birthday at The Lantern Palace.
Joe's (sticky floor) Garage! Need we say more..
You fed emu's at The Ferneries
You got bogged in Avoca Lake on one of those big water trikes.
You played 'pinnies' at Funtasia. 20 cents could last ages!
You went to Gallery 460 for an art excursion
You had been to a birthday party on the train at McDonalds West Gosford
You went to a birthday party at the plaster fun house
You used to go and get some awesome bargains in the car park of the Kincumber pub off the mad Englishman selling out the back of his truck.I think he went by the name "Crazy Jim"
You know The Blow Hole at Lake Munmorah was actually a dangerous part of the coastline and not a sleezy brothel
You used to go to Erina Fair on a Friday night and hated when emo kids took over.
You're an emo kid that goes to Erina Fair on a Friday night.
You've gone to Erina ice skating rink once and then never again.
You were willing to go for the Central Coast bears but not the eagles
You know where the dark side of Wyoming is, and if you value your life and worldly possessions, you also know not to go there!
You've walked home from largo pissed and fallen in terrigal lagoon...
You know who 'Barbie' is and have seen her walking through Erina Fair and riding her bike along Terrigal Drive
You have been outrageously drunk at Joe's Garage at 6am after a night at
Sloppos
You painted the Reptile Park dinosaur for yr. 12 muck-up day
You remember the food court upstairs in Gosford's Imperial Centre
You remember the games at froggies.. the walls were the cards "Ace of hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades"
You went to carpark parties (not to be confused with the car parties in the carpark- those guys were stupid).
You caught the chickenpox...or something else from Woodport.
You bleached your hair in high school.
You hung out in the 'jump trees' at Avoca after school.
You know what a Wambie Whopper is.
You went to the year 12 break-up parties in Terrigal (even when it wasn't for your year) and got alcohol confiscated by the police.
You call Forresters Beach 'Forries', Bateau Bay 'Bateau', Gosford 'Gossie', Budgewoi 'Budgy', The Entrance 'The Ennie', a bowling club 'the bowlo', a golf club 'the golfie', a leagues club 'the leaguesy', and it doesn't matter if there are multiple leagues clubs or bowling clubs, everyone just seems to which one you mean...
Do I no you??
Alicia
Well-Known Member
A couple were invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe
that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
'Did you dance much ?'
'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.....'
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe
that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
'Did you dance much ?'
'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.....'
midfielder
Well-Known Member
;D ;D ;D
Alicia
Well-Known Member
Magician and the Parrot
A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, 'Look, it's not the same hat!' or 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!' or 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days. Finally on The 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said......
"O K, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship? "
A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, 'Look, it's not the same hat!' or 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!' or 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days. Finally on The 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said......
"O K, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship? "
hasbeen
Well-Known Member
Alicia said:
Good joke ... Bernard Manning on 'The Comedians' about 1970 ... just how old are you?
After their success in Mumbai ... Muslim terrorists have stormed the streets of Bradford shooting anybody who's white or carrying a British passport. Police believe the death toll could rise to two.
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