Jokes

[Ted]

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.  'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head, the croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it -Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

 

[Jocwa08]

ok.

this lady gives birth to a child




the doctors comes in and says
we got good news and bad news



whats the bad news??








its a ranga!



um ok whats the good news



































its dead

 

[Jesus]

ok.

this lady gives birth to a child




the doctors comes in and says
we got good news and bad news



whats the bad news??








its a ranga!



um ok whats the good news



































its dead

Snap!

 

[Pokes]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

 

[Pokes]

what is brown and rhymes with snoop?

dre

 

[Pokes]

A man is sitting on a beach with no arms and no legs;
3 women walk past the first asks have you ever been hugged? No says the man, so she hugs him and walks on, the second woman asks have you ever been kissed? No says the man, so she kisses him and walks on the third woman asks have you ever been f**ked? No says the man, you will be, the tides coming in!!

 

[bradley]

john aloisi 

 

[mariners4ever]

john Aloi$i 

ROFL

 

[Part_Timer]

jets title defence

 

[Blackadder]

> HELL EXPLAINED BY  CHEMISTRY STUDENT
>
> The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
>
> The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
>
> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
>
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
>
> One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
>
> Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
>
> So which is it?
>
> If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. 
>
> The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
>
> THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[Blackadder]

The new AUSTRALIAN CITIZEN VALUES TEST



LANGUAGE

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin, of the term 'died in the arse'?
2. What is a mole?
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'
CUSTOMS

1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
2. Complete the following sentences: a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother b) You're going home in the back of a c) Fair suck of the
3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
FOOD

1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?
6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
CULTURE 

1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
2. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'?
3. Who would you like to crack on to?
4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

 

[~Floss~]

The new AUSTRALIAN CITIZEN VALUES TEST

4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

What does that have to do with being Aussie? I always thought it was a seppo thing

 

[MrCelery]

Three Newcastle Jets fans were bemoaning the fact that their team kept losing and was facing the wooden spoon.

"I blame Con Constantine" said the first, "if he would sign new players then we could be a great side"

"I blame the players" said the second, "if they made more effort I am sure we would score more goals"

"I blame my parents", added the third, " if I'd been born in Gosford I'd be supporting a decent team!

 

[Auburn Mariner]

THE BIG TRIP

A young blonde woman in Newcastle was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the Hunter River .

She went to Hexham Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying. He took pity on her and
said, Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if
you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you
food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have
to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

" I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a
trip to America , and he's screwing me."

He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Stockton Ferry."

 

[Ted]

Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach were disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS !" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

 

[hasbeen]

I was in an Indian Restaurant the other night. Waiter comes up to me and asks "Curry okay?".
"If you must", I replied, "but just one song and then piss off". 

 

[Wilson]

Wilko to Korea

 

[typool]

ok this is old but i just got told it..

Q.how do you make a whore moan?

A. dont pay her

 

[Auburn Mariner]

The new AUSTRALIAN CITIZEN VALUES TEST

CULTURE 

1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots? Yes to all
2. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'?
Yes, especially afer a B & S Ball
3. Who would you like to crack on to? If I was hypothetically single (not by choice), either the simply world-class Brigitte Bardot: http://www.geocities.com/brigittebardot3/pictures2.html OR Ursula Andress in Honey Ryder mode, sigh: http://www.vanityfair.com/images/culture/2008/07/cusl01_bondgirls0807.jpg
4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie? In order: Williamson, Warne, Minogue, Wilson
5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool? No
6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

 

[Alicia]

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme, with the most romantic first line and the lease romantic second line;

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was p!ssed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to he!l.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.