From the dug out
Well-Known Member
BiggusMickus said:
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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
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From the dug out
Well-Known Member
Incredible Story
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense mom ents. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the grou nd, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense mom ents. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the grou nd, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
BiggusMickus
Well-Known Member
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," replied his mother
"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," replied his mother
Depressed? Over Worked? Job Suck? Unappreciated/ Family Problems? Money Worries? Well here is a pill for you..... FUKITOL!!! When life just BLOWS
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
THE DAY THE PENIS ASKED FOR A RAISE
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to possible contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
THE RESPONSE:
Dear Mr. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration
rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are often unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace
carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to possible contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
THE RESPONSE:
Dear Mr. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration
rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are often unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace
carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
BiggusMickus
Well-Known Member
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your
crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your
crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
RECKY said:
Sure that was not Hunter St Newcastle
midfielder
Well-Known Member
BiggusMickus said:
Love it
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld
The Banana Test
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a lion, a chimpanzee, a giraffe, and a squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you think will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If you picked:
Lion - you're dull.
Chimpanzee - you're a moron.
Giraffe - you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel - you're just hopelessly stupid.
A Coconut tree Doesn't have Bananas!!!!!
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a lion, a chimpanzee, a giraffe, and a squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you think will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If you picked:
Lion - you're dull.
Chimpanzee - you're a moron.
Giraffe - you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel - you're just hopelessly stupid.
A Coconut tree Doesn't have Bananas!!!!!
BiggusMickus
Well-Known Member
Ranyen said:
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
BrisRecky
I'm an idiot savant without the pesky savant bit
this truckie left brisbane with a load of lawn bowls on board.
he got to the NSW border and the customs guys checked the truck and let him go
what he didnt know however that two kids had jumped on board with their pushies for a ride back to sydney.
he got to mcdonalds at newcastle said g'day to a couple of highway patrol guys and grabbed some tucker, whwen he left one of the coppers though he looked like a known smuggler from the darwin area, so he called ahead to get the gosford boys to check his rig and its contents.
The truck got to Wyoming and he stopped at Hungry jacks for a cuppa, as he was exiting the truck a copper walked up and asked him for his rego, licence and his waybill and asked him whats on board and where was his last stop
The truckie replied newcastle aand a bloody big load of lawn bowls mate why?
no reason the copper said just a random check, my co-hort will check your trailer if thats o.k, yeh go for it said the truckie. the other copper walked on down to the back of the rig......
minutes later there was an almighty scream and the copper came running back from the rear of the vehicle, his partner asked him what was up and the cop replied..." lawn bowls my arse, this mongrel is carting squadrunt eggs, two of 'em have hatched and they already knicked someones bikes"
he got to the NSW border and the customs guys checked the truck and let him go
what he didnt know however that two kids had jumped on board with their pushies for a ride back to sydney.
he got to mcdonalds at newcastle said g'day to a couple of highway patrol guys and grabbed some tucker, whwen he left one of the coppers though he looked like a known smuggler from the darwin area, so he called ahead to get the gosford boys to check his rig and its contents.
The truck got to Wyoming and he stopped at Hungry jacks for a cuppa, as he was exiting the truck a copper walked up and asked him for his rego, licence and his waybill and asked him whats on board and where was his last stop
The truckie replied newcastle aand a bloody big load of lawn bowls mate why?
no reason the copper said just a random check, my co-hort will check your trailer if thats o.k, yeh go for it said the truckie. the other copper walked on down to the back of the rig......
minutes later there was an almighty scream and the copper came running back from the rear of the vehicle, his partner asked him what was up and the cop replied..." lawn bowls my arse, this mongrel is carting squadrunt eggs, two of 'em have hatched and they already knicked someones bikes"
1
#1 Kwasnik fan
Guest
Q. A guy jets fan and a woman jets fan are in a car, who is drving?
A. The Copper
A. The Copper
heres some important "educational videos" from the 50's I think everyone should watch
I was scared about nuclear attacks but then I learnt the trusty method of "duck and cover" which is guaranteed to protect against a nuclear strike
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0K_LZDXp0I
PS notice Hitler is at 1:45
I also know how to plan the perfect party. Make sure you plan activities such as hat making
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nvivEqxjsI
Theres links to more of them on here that I couldnt be bothered watching tonight
I was scared about nuclear attacks but then I learnt the trusty method of "duck and cover" which is guaranteed to protect against a nuclear strike
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0K_LZDXp0I
PS notice Hitler is at 1:45
I also know how to plan the perfect party. Make sure you plan activities such as hat making
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nvivEqxjsI
Theres links to more of them on here that I couldnt be bothered watching tonight
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