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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
- Start date
Alicia
Well-Known Member
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break, in their soon-to-be, new store.
As yet the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Australian walked to the window, had a peek and in a broad Australian accent asked: 'What are you selling here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes'. Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You're doin well.......only two left!'
As yet the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Australian walked to the window, had a peek and in a broad Australian accent asked: 'What are you selling here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes'. Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You're doin well.......only two left!'
W
Wilson
Guest
I got one for you...
These 70,000 people go to this game and.......
These 70,000 people go to this game and.......
BiggusMickus
Well-Known Member
What do you do if you see a wounded Jets fan walking towards you?
Stop laughing, reload, and shoot again!
Stop laughing, reload, and shoot again!
FFC Mariner
Well-Known Member
There was this footballer called Reuben and.............
Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find frying pan, you dont suppose she took it do you?
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find frying pan, you dont suppose she took it do you?
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
W
Wilson
Guest
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
BiggusMickus
Well-Known Member
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods
The bear says to the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No, I don't" says the rabbit
So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit
The bear says to the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No, I don't" says the rabbit
So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit
T
Well-Known Member
6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS..........
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls
asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on.
The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door.
The customer asked the tech to hold on and
was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the door.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell
Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when
she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer. The tech asked her if
she was running it under "Windows."
The woman responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door.
But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window and his printer is working fine."
9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control
and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P"
to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a "P".
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: ""P" on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls
asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on.
The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door.
The customer asked the tech to hold on and
was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the door.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell
Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when
she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer. The tech asked her if
she was running it under "Windows."
The woman responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door.
But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window and his printer is working fine."
9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control
and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P"
to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a "P".
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: ""P" on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"
BiggusMickus
Well-Known Member
A female midget walks into the Doctors office, complaining of an embarrassing itch in the private region. Without hesitation, the doctor grabs her and stands her on his desk. He whips the side of her skirt up, and sticks his head under.
The midget is standing dead-still, not sure what's going on, when she hears a 'snip, snip, snip' under her skirt. The doctor pulls his head out, and says "How's that?"
She replies, "That's great, doesn't itch a bit! What did you do?"
The doctor replies, "I just trimmed the top of your Ugg boots!"
The midget is standing dead-still, not sure what's going on, when she hears a 'snip, snip, snip' under her skirt. The doctor pulls his head out, and says "How's that?"
She replies, "That's great, doesn't itch a bit! What did you do?"
The doctor replies, "I just trimmed the top of your Ugg boots!"
T
Well-Known Member
2008 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL !
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL !
From the dug out
Well-Known Member
Blonde Jokes
1) There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
2) Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
1) There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
2) Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
BiggusMickus
Well-Known Member
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
"His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, and he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too."
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
"His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, and he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too."
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