Jokes

[midfielder]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle

 

[dibo]

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore.

The physicist says, "Lets smash the can open with a rock."

The chemist says, "Let’s build a fire and heat the can first."

The economist says, "Lets assume that we have a can-opener..."

 

[dibo]

A man has been hospitalised after swallowing 10 toy horses.

Doctors describe his condition as stable.

 

[midfielder]

Sorry ladies...

Was down at the Sporties the other night when the local fat ugly slapper walks up behind me n grabs my arse.
"Hey your still cute!" she says "Gimme your number?"
" Um thx , you gotta pen?" I reply
" Yep I gotta pen!" she answers
I say to her , "Well you better hurry back n get in it before the farmer notices you missing".

 

[VicMariner]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?











None.

 

[Azza-Mataz]

They say that diarrhea is hereditary.






It runs in your jeans.

 

[dibo]

My new year's resolution is to stop putting things off.

 

[dibo]

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.

The front says "I will do anything for love"

On the rear it says "but I won't do that"

 

[MagpieMariner]

There was an African tribal leader who developed a passion for thrones after he saw a picture of Queen Elizabeth sitting on hers. He started collecting them (mainly on Ebay ) until his grass house was full. He decided he'd build a 2nd story to his hut and started to move some of his older thrones upstairs. Unfortunately, the grass ceiling couldn't take the weight and collapsed on him and he was killed.
The moral of this story is: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!

 

[priorpeter]

Didn't have a father when I was young so I used to pretend the rubber from my pencil case was my dad.

Erased me well.

 

[dibo]

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose job is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB," "Right, CB" and so on.

Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed--so down, in fact, that he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a release for his negative feelings by saying, "No."

"But if I said 'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested.

The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job. I mean go out to the Grand Canyon and find a ledge off the trail. There, you can yell 'NO!' to your heart's content and no one will be the wiser."

So the Yes Man decided to try it. He went to the Grand Canyon and found a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said, "no." It felt good, so he tried it a little louder, "No." Even better! Soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of his lungs and feeling great.

He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the proper enthusiasm, knowing that on the weekend he could escape to the Grand Canyon and say "NO!" Other Yes Men noticed his changed attitude, asked him the secret, and also decided to try it. Soon every weekend the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!"

A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a release; but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of them were taken. He hunted and hunted, but every place he found was already taken by another Yes Man.

Finally he found a tiny ledge which had been overlooked because of its small size. Nevertheless thankful, he gingerly stepped onto it and said a quiet "No." It felt great!

So he wound himself up and released an enormous "NO!" In doing so, he lost his balance and fell to his death. Which just goes to prove that a little No Ledge is a dangerous thing.

 

[MagpieMariner]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[midfielder]

Magpie

Brilliant

 

[true believer]

cricket australia left out usman khawaja for 2 x marsh

 

[Wombat]

Didn't have a father when I was young so I used to pretend the rubber from my pencil case was my dad.

Erased me well.

wow......thats bad PP...................but mildly amusing at the same time.

 

[Tevor]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love s.x.



The second floor has wives that love s.x, have money and like beer



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[priorpeter]

wow......thats bad PP...................but mildly amusing at the same time.

The truest stories are always the most amusing

 

[Big Al]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love s.x.



The second floor has wives that love s.x, have money and like beer



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Read it to my wife, as we got to level 5 she said will include a big dick.then when it was romance she said level 6 will be the big dick. Could that be why 31m kept going? Haha
Was very funny and my wife laughed as well.

 

[MagpieMariner]

Two pretty young things having coffee together.
PYT 1: I had to stop drinking alcohol because of my legs.
PYT 2: Why, do they swell?
PYT 1: No, they spread.

 

[VicMariner]

Name and number please........