Jokes

[Offsider]

Make sure your Viagra is marked "made in USA" because you don't want Russia interfering in your erections!

How can you tell when russia is interfering with your viagra .............. you notice when you Put in .........

 

[MagpieMariner]

How can you tell when russia is interfering with your viagra .............. you notice when you Put in .........

Oh shit, that's worse than mine.

 

[Offsider]

Oh shit, that's worse than mine.

Well ........ seeing as how it came to me while I was reading yours ......... like a bolt I thought I would trump yours ......

 

[MagpieMariner]

I thought Bolt was Jamaican.

 

[midfielder]

I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in two years time.

I don't have 2020 vision.

 

[Offsider]

Sometimes age plays a big part of your life in ways that you are not recognative of ????. Reading and learning are still prominent aspirations even at 70 odd. I like the articles five things we learnt from the round blah blah blah so I thought I would try it here.

Five things we learnt from this week for ccm :
1. As far as Recruitment went this week a lot of class quality players were added to other teams a-league squads.
2. ............... can’t remember what the other four items were ????........... sorry .

On a more serious note ......... I learnt that despite info that the coe was nearing completion some months ago, in actual fact it is in major trouble apparently. Major trouble in that it will require some of scrooge’s money to rectify. Council has decided on changes to access etc and the field playing surface is more in keeping with the shit processing facility nearby than a football field. The ramifications of these learnings do severely dent some of my assumptive deduction points of view. I will need time to recover.

I thought the joke thread was a good place to make this post.

 

[Wombat]

The pitch is Ok like the one Umina play on. But it's slopes at one end and is not completely level. It's fine to train on for a local club like Tuggerah but it's pretty average for an A-league team.

 

[style_cafe]

Usain Bolt was at a meet the members do for the Mariners.
A little old lady walks up to him and says "ooohhhh ,you`re such a big Man. How tall are you?
Usain replies in his best Jamaican accent "I`m 1.95m"
The old lady says"Ooooohhh such a big man!"
How long are your arms?
Usain replies, "1.5m each"
The little old lady says, "Oooohhh ,such a big man!"
How long are your legs?"
Usain replies, "1.65m each"
Again she say, "Oooohhh,such a big man"
Then she says coyly," How big is your dick?"
Usain casually replies,"2 inches"
The old lady says." such a big man with such a little dick!"
Usain then says, "FROM THE GROUND, LADY, FROM THE GROUND!"

Call an ambulance!!!

NOTE: Dicks are still measure in imperial, they havent gone metric yet....

 

[MagpieMariner]

Dennis Lillee & Joel Garner were walking home after a party one night when they stopped to relieve themselves as they crossed a bridge over a large river.
Dennis said to Joel "Boy the water's so cold."
Joel replied "Yeah, and so shallow."

 

[midfielder]

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

A naked women robbed a bank.== Nobody could remember her face.

I hate my job as a waiter. == But it puts food on the table.

 

[midfielder]

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

 

[MagpieMariner]

What do you call a woman who throws all her bills into the fire?

Bernadette.

 

[marinermick]

Joke from my thirteen year old last night: "Why does Beyoncé sing to the left, to the left? Because women have no rights."

I had to not laugh and say that it was not very nice.

 

[MagpieMariner]

Bought a deodorant stick this morning. The instructions were "remove cap, push up bottom."
I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely.

 

[midfielder]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He looks at the first priest and says, Hey, Im Jesus Christ!

The priest replies, No son, youre not.

So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, Hey, Im Jesus Christ! To which the second priest replies, No son, youre not.

Finally, the drunk has had enough and says, Here, Ill prove it.

He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, Jesus Christ, youre back AGAIN?

 

[midfielder]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary "I won the prize for the Best Toast Of The Night".

She said "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife". "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary".

She said "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

[MagpieMariner]

I can't think of a better place to post this:

"NEW LEADER OF LIBERAL PARTY ACTUALLY SAID THIS!
Michael O'Brien lashed out at criticism from Labor about the lack of women in Liberal ranks.

"If the Labor Party and the Greens want to have more women in the Liberal Party, what they should have done is not defeated them, that would have been a very good thing if they hadn't run against our women," Mr Finn said.

Yes it's cause ALP won you don't have enough women."

I'm trying very hard to believe that this was said with his tongue firmly implanted in his cheek, but I'm terrified that he really was serious.

 

[Robbiemariner]

A car pulls alongside a wee lad and the driver says I'll give you $10 dollars to get into the car , wee lad ignores this , driver then says I'll give you $20 and a packet of sweets ,still no answer , Ok I'll give you $50 and 10 packets of sweets . Wee lad says f off Dad , I'm still not going to watch the Mariners

 

[Wombat]

I can't think of a better place to post this:

"NEW LEADER OF LIBERAL PARTY ACTUALLY SAID THIS!
Michael O'Brien lashed out at criticism from Labor about the lack of women in Liberal ranks.

"If the Labor Party and the Greens want to have more women in the Liberal Party, what they should have done is not defeated them, that would have been a very good thing if they hadn't run against our women," Mr Finn said.

Yes it's cause ALP won you don't have enough women."

I'm trying very hard to believe that this was said with his tongue firmly implanted in his cheek, but I'm terrified that he really was serious.

Maybe back off a toilet door. Leave your politics at the saloon door partner, don't bring that shit in here.

 

[Big Al]

Mike Mulvey walks into the Mariners and leaves God on the bench.

Would be funny if it wasn’t real