Jokes

[Tevor]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

 

[pjennings]

seen on the Jets Supporters Facebook page

There are some horrible bastards about.
I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door to see 4 blokes in Newcastle Jets shirts playing football with it.
I was just about to call the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.

 

[FFC Mariner]

Get onto their facebook page. Magic stuff

 

[Tevor]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

 

[Tevor]

Just because the off season is so slow and boring;

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father As to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(I Love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[dibo]

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A question as old as time was answered.

The chicken.

 

[style_cafe]

6 yr old..."Daddy, can women get pregnant & have kids from anal sex?"
Dad, "Of course son, they call them Newcastle Jets supporters!!"


Edit:added Jets for Magpie Mariner

 

[MagpieMariner]

Newcastle United, Newcastle Jets or both?

 

[Tevor]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

 

[midfielder]

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell.

God, always fair, told the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."

 

[sydmariner]

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

 

[midfielder]

A 55 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 21 year old beauty? “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age." His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. "Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

 

[VicMariner]

An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s lagging libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.


“Not a chance,” she said… “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an “Irish Viagra.”

“What’s this Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.

“Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!” she exclaimed. “T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean it wasn’t good?”

“It was the best I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

 

[MagpieMariner]

If I had a dollar for every woman who finds me unattractive, eventually they'd find me attractive.

 

[Offsider]

Charlesworth .............

 

[sydmariner]

Charlesworth .............

u can't polish a turd

 

[Offsider]

u can't polish a turd

Well you can but you would really haveto have a use for it.
Like a trophy for postecoglou’s tenure as socceroo’s coach ........... or okon for his exit mid season ......... oh wait ??? a silver one would be more in keeping with the fans feelings eh !!!

 

[Capn Gus Bloodbeard]

 

[VicMariner]

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 140 Kph, he suddenly saw flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 160, 175.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[MagpieMariner]

Make sure your Viagra is marked "made in USA" because you don't want Russia interfering in your erections!