Jokes

[dibo]

A farmer has 196 cows, but when he rounds them up he has 200.

 

[FFC Mariner]

A farmer has 196 cows, but when he rounds them up he has 200.

The sea.

Get in it

 

[priorpeter]

I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday.

I'll tell you what, never again.

 

[dibo]

 

[dibo]

The man who invented anagrams has died.

May he erect a penis.

 

[dibo]

 

[dibo]

Probably relevant to our season (and our hopes and fears therein):

 

[dibo]

Man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint. The barman shuffles away to pour it.

Upon returning he hands the man his pint and asks him, 'excuse me, but I really can't help but notice'.

'Notice what?' replies the man.

'Why, that your head is a giant orange. How did that happen?'

'Oh, it's a long story. I don't want to keep you'.

'Well' says the barman, 'the pub's quiet. I'd love to hear it'.

Reluctantly the man agrees and commences with his story.

'It happened a couple of years ago. I was out for a stroll in the countryside when I became aware of a high-pitched voice shouting 'HELP! HELP!'

Upon investigating I discovered a disused well with a leprechaun at the bottom. The leprechaun promised me three wishes if I would help him out of his predicament, so I ran back to my house and fetched some rope which I used to haul him out'.

By this time the barman is extremely curious and unable to avert his gaze from the man's giant orange head. 'What the hell did you wish for?!'

'For my first wish I wished that I always had a million pounds, no matter how much I spent'.

'And?' asks the barman.

'Oh, it's great. I'm loaded and I can afford any luxury I want because any time I spend any money it's immediately replenished'.

'That's amazing. What was your second wish?'

'For my second wish I wished that the most beautiful women in the world would be attracted to me'.

'And?' asks the barman again.

'Unbelievable. I'm surrounded by beauties 24/7. They can't get enough of me'.

'Okay' says the barman, you've got money and attractive women, so what in God's name was your third wish?

'I wished that my head was a giant orange'.

 

[dibo]

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

 

[Wombat]

Man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint. The barman shuffles away to pour it.

Upon returning he hands the man his pint and asks him, 'excuse me, but I really can't help but notice'.

'Notice what?' replies the man.

'Why, that your head is a giant orange. How did that happen?'

'Oh, it's a long story. I don't want to keep you'.

'Well' says the barman, 'the pub's quiet. I'd love to hear it'.

Reluctantly the man agrees and commences with his story.

'It happened a couple of years ago. I was out for a stroll in the countryside when I became aware of a high-pitched voice shouting 'HELP! HELP!'

Upon investigating I discovered a disused well with a leprechaun at the bottom. The leprechaun promised me three wishes if I would help him out of his predicament, so I ran back to my house and fetched some rope which I used to haul him out'.

By this time the barman is extremely curious and unable to avert his gaze from the man's giant orange head. 'What the hell did you wish for?!'

'For my first wish I wished that I always had a million pounds, no matter how much I spent'.

'And?' asks the barman.

'Oh, it's great. I'm loaded and I can afford any luxury I want because any time I spend any money it's immediately replenished'.

'That's amazing. What was your second wish?'

'For my second wish I wished that the most beautiful women in the world would be attracted to me'.

'And?' asks the barman again.

'Unbelievable. I'm surrounded by beauties 24/7. They can't get enough of me'.

'Okay' says the barman, you've got money and attractive women, so what in God's name was your third wish?

'I wished that my head was a giant orange'.

Dibo...please help me? I don't understand the punchline??

 

[Rowdy]

Dibo...please help me? I don't understand the punchline??

"Ask and you shall recieve" ???

In this case:
Ask for something fcuk'n stupid and you'll get something fcuk'n stupid ... I guess

 

[dibo]

Skeleton walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'll have a beer and a mop"

 

[dibo]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. … After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.

 

[dibo]

A Roman centurion walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says "five beers please".

 

[MagpieMariner]

That's II funny.

 

[Rowdy]

Frank Farina walks into a Fijian bar.......

 

[midfielder]

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing on stage at a rally in Houston, Texas, before 150,000 people.

The Pope leans over to Donald and say's...' you know, with the movement of just one hand I can bring this crowd to their feet, they'll cheer like never before and it would be the most memorable experience of their life'

Donald laughs and says ' i'd like to see that Pope '

With that, the Pope draws his hand back fully, and backhands Donald across the face that hard he flys off the stage.

 

[Rowdy]

Donald Trump

& Hillary
'having the time of their life' !!!

Lip Sync Battle, take it away Don ...

 

[MagpieMariner]

A nurse walks into the nursing station, puts her hand in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
"Bugger", she said, "some arsehole's got my pen."

 

[MagpieMariner]

Young nurse runs up to the charge sister. "Sister, sister, I'm so sorry, I got your instructions back-to-front. You told me to prick Mr Fraser's boil..."