midfielder
Well-Known Member
Trump / Bond / Queen
Last edited:
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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
- Start date
JoyfulPenguin
Well-Known Member
Hehe
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Wife: Look at that drunk guy over there.
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him.
Husband: Oh my god! He's still celebrating...
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him.
Husband: Oh my god! He's still celebrating...
FFC Mariner
Well-Known Member
Saw these 6 blokes carrying a coffin earlier this morning.
Just after lunch I saw them still carrying it and going round in circles
I thought "they've lost the plot here"
Just after lunch I saw them still carrying it and going round in circles
I thought "they've lost the plot here"
sydmariner
Well-Known Member
What's the difference between Paul Izzo & a bed?
A bed has clean sheets.
A bed has clean sheets.
MagpieMariner
Well-Known Member
A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Male joke ... OK its mums day ... but .. only 56 seconds ... lots of swearing..
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Hillary Clinton is elected President
On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"
Hillary laughs in his face
On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself."
Hillary laughs in his face
On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Lincoln replies "Go to the theatre."
On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"
Hillary laughs in his face
On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself."
Hillary laughs in his face
On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
She asks, "What can I do to help America?"
Lincoln replies "Go to the theatre."
VicMariner
Well-Known Member
SO!!!! It turns out Middy is a republican!!!
Who knew?
Who knew?
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Nay don't believe in party loyalty its then you get folk like Kilinton running.. me I wanted Bernie Sanders to win ... and pray, hope that Trump does not get in...
Maybe if the FBI lay charges then Bernie can get the nod ... he in the eyes of many and I am one never got any support from the establishment media or his party and still almost won from starting with nothing. He would wipe the floor with Trump ...
Look on the pollie thread I have made a number of posts about him...
midfielder
Well-Known Member
In Heaven: the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.
In Hell: the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.
In Hell: the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.
MagpieMariner
Well-Known Member
A duck says to a bull, “I would love to get on top of that tree, but I haven’t the energy.”
“Well,” says the bull, “why don’t you eat some of my dung? It’s packed with nutrients.”
So the duck eats some dung and finds that it gives him enough energy to get to the first branch. The next day, he eats some more and gets to the next branch. This cycle continues for a week. Finally, the duck is at the top of the tree, where he is spotted by the farmer, who shoots him with a shotgun.
Moral of the Story: bullsh*t might take you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
“Well,” says the bull, “why don’t you eat some of my dung? It’s packed with nutrients.”
So the duck eats some dung and finds that it gives him enough energy to get to the first branch. The next day, he eats some more and gets to the next branch. This cycle continues for a week. Finally, the duck is at the top of the tree, where he is spotted by the farmer, who shoots him with a shotgun.
Moral of the Story: bullsh*t might take you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
midfielder
Well-Known Member
I have a phobia of German sausages.
Yes, I fear the wurst...
*********
Me and my limbo teammates go way back.
**************
I am going to apply for a job as a waiter... I could bring a lot to the table.
***********
If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
Yes, I fear the wurst...
*********
Me and my limbo teammates go way back.
**************
I am going to apply for a job as a waiter... I could bring a lot to the table.
***********
If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Lionel Messi has been offered a new contract with Barcelona on a massive £450,000 a week!! Which after tax is about £450,000 a week.
MagpieMariner
Well-Known Member
Q: What do the Poles do in Poland?
A: Hold up the power wires like they do here.
A: Hold up the power wires like they do here.
dibo
Well-Known Member
Stolen from SFCU:
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
dibo
Well-Known Member
Jeffery is a young man growing up in a small midwestern town. He's a bit of a mama's boy, bookish and overly sensitive, but basically a nice guy. One day the circus comes to town. Everyone in town is excited. There's not a lot to do there, and this story takes place in the mid-century, before the internet or satellite TV.
The circus sells out, but Jeffery makes sure to get a good seat. He's a few rows back from the front.
The circus starts with a clown act. A couple of clowns run out, telling jokes and engaging in tomfoolery. Suddenly, one of the clowns points at Jeffery.
"You sir, would you mind standing up please"
"Me?"
"Yes, sir, please stand up."
Jeffery stands.
"Well," says the clown, "I see the horse's ass, but where's the rest of the horse?"
The whole audience erupts in laughter, but Jeffery is mortified and humiliated. He runs out of the circus and back to his house where he sits in shame and cries.
After a few months he's reading a magazine and notices an ad. "School for witty retorts." Hm, maybe this will help me be less sensitive he thinks. So he applies for the course, even though it's pretty expensive. He sends money in and gets a few worksheets.
This goes on for a while until he gets a letter from the school. "Sir, I have to confess that my school is basically a scam. I'm not qualified to give degrees in witty retorts. However I've noticed that you really have a talent for this. I feel bad taking your money. I've still got a few contacts in the legit retort world, and I'd like to recommend you for a spot in U Penn's school of witty retorts."
So Jeffery goes to Penn's program, one of the more highly regarded schools of witty retorts in the country. His professors are amazed by his talent. He gets straight A's without working too hard and is accepted into Stanford's graduate school of witty retorts. Even before he gets his PhD in witty retorts his reputation spreads. He is consulted by businessmen and politicians. Even the pope sends a discreet emissary to get tips on dealing with a couple of obstreperous cardinals.
After graduation his consulting business takes off. He spends a lot of time travelling, but returns to live in his home town, as it's familiar and he can be close to his mother. He's a bit of a local celebrity, but is very modest about his achievments.
One day he sees that the circus is coming to town; the same circus that humiliated him a dozen years earlier. He makes sure he gets the same seat he had before. The circus again sells out. Again the same clowns open the show. They don't seem to recognize him. (although he has a bit of fame, he is discreet and rarely photographed.) Again they ask him to stand.
"Well," says the clown, "I see the horse's ass, but where's the rest of the horse?"
The whole town turns and looks at Jeffery, eagerly waiting for his reply. Jeffery takes a deep breath and in a clear distinct voice says:
f**k You, Clown!
The circus sells out, but Jeffery makes sure to get a good seat. He's a few rows back from the front.
The circus starts with a clown act. A couple of clowns run out, telling jokes and engaging in tomfoolery. Suddenly, one of the clowns points at Jeffery.
"You sir, would you mind standing up please"
"Me?"
"Yes, sir, please stand up."
Jeffery stands.
"Well," says the clown, "I see the horse's ass, but where's the rest of the horse?"
The whole audience erupts in laughter, but Jeffery is mortified and humiliated. He runs out of the circus and back to his house where he sits in shame and cries.
After a few months he's reading a magazine and notices an ad. "School for witty retorts." Hm, maybe this will help me be less sensitive he thinks. So he applies for the course, even though it's pretty expensive. He sends money in and gets a few worksheets.
This goes on for a while until he gets a letter from the school. "Sir, I have to confess that my school is basically a scam. I'm not qualified to give degrees in witty retorts. However I've noticed that you really have a talent for this. I feel bad taking your money. I've still got a few contacts in the legit retort world, and I'd like to recommend you for a spot in U Penn's school of witty retorts."
So Jeffery goes to Penn's program, one of the more highly regarded schools of witty retorts in the country. His professors are amazed by his talent. He gets straight A's without working too hard and is accepted into Stanford's graduate school of witty retorts. Even before he gets his PhD in witty retorts his reputation spreads. He is consulted by businessmen and politicians. Even the pope sends a discreet emissary to get tips on dealing with a couple of obstreperous cardinals.
After graduation his consulting business takes off. He spends a lot of time travelling, but returns to live in his home town, as it's familiar and he can be close to his mother. He's a bit of a local celebrity, but is very modest about his achievments.
One day he sees that the circus is coming to town; the same circus that humiliated him a dozen years earlier. He makes sure he gets the same seat he had before. The circus again sells out. Again the same clowns open the show. They don't seem to recognize him. (although he has a bit of fame, he is discreet and rarely photographed.) Again they ask him to stand.
"Well," says the clown, "I see the horse's ass, but where's the rest of the horse?"
The whole town turns and looks at Jeffery, eagerly waiting for his reply. Jeffery takes a deep breath and in a clear distinct voice says:
f**k You, Clown!
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