Jokes

[hasbeen]

Fernando Torres in Libya as peacekeeper - no shots reported so far.

 

[style_cafe]

An old bloke applied for a job as a fruit picker.
When the farmer read his application he saw that old bloke was a qualifed architect with 40 years experience in the building industry.
The farmer said to him "mate,you have a great resume & so much experience in the building industry but do you have any experience picking lemons?
The old bloke just looked at him & said "Well I come from Newcastle. Last year I backed the Knights to win the NRL & the Jets to win the A-League.
I also put money on Sasho Petrovski being the top scorer in the A-League.
How am I doing so far?

 

[Muppet]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*& now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull Sh&* and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[style_cafe]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*& now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull Sh&* and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Ummm... McBreen?

 

[midfielder]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I
didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat
tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then
I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -
when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still
ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was
your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

 

[Muppet]

For those who have not seen this it is very funny

 

[midfielder]

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, ...I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".

Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia’s hand in his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Julia . "Amen", said Wayne.
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The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

 

[style_cafe]

The Proud Father

Four friends, who hadn't seen in other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and, now, he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday!"
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its asset. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday!"
"Well, that's terrific!", said the third man. "My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000-square-foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth man returned from the restroom and asked, "What all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
"My son is gay," replied the fourth man, "and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
"What a shame. What a disappointment," said his three friends.
"No, I'm not ashamed," their friend replied. "He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000-square-foot mansion, a brand new jet and atop of the line Mercedes from three of his boyfriends."

 

[style_cafe]

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive.
The Science teacher then asked the class, "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have
worms!"

 

[hasbeen]

I've just watched the uncut version of Scarface.......it was called Face.

Sting's local petrol station had a letter stolen from it's sign last night.He's sending out an Esso S.

I won't be abbreviating Elton John's name and title. No Sir E.

A mates wife has left him because of his pasta touching fetish. He's feeling cannelloni tonight .

Crime in multi-story carparks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

 

[style_cafe]

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "that first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

Well, who is in the second coffin? "

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and
killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

 

[midfielder]

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

 

[midfielder]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

 

[midfielder]

Justin Bieber--- God told me to sing

Bob Dylan --- No i didn't

 

[midfielder]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[midfielder]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie. 'I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!' Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, 'I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

 

[hasbeen]

Took my lad to watch Liverpool at home v Spurs on Monday night and I have to say it lived up to all our expectations!

When we got back to where we parked the car it had been stolen!

********

In the EPL - So the side who won 7-1 on the weekend beat the side who won 3-2 against the side who beat the 7-1 winners, 8-2.

The 8-2 winners lost 6-1 against the side who lost 2-1 to the side the 8-2 winners beat 3-1.

But the 2-1 losers beat the 7-1 winners 1-0 who beat the 2-1 winners, 5-3.

The moral of the story is?

Fernando Torres is still shit.

********

Nintendo have brought out a game where a 14yr old runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing cars, stabbing people and robbing houses.

It’s called Wii Bastard!

********

An egg and a rasher of bacon walked into a pub. The barmen said “Sorry we don’t serve breakfast”.

 

[dibo]

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant?
A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.

Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.

Q: How do you know there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: There are elephant tracks in the butter.

Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.

Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.

Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

Q: What do elephants have that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.

Q: What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on vacation.

Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse coming back from vacation.

Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails?
A: Two elephants.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.

Q: Why are golf balls small and white?
A: Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their colour.

Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.

Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums (she was colour blind).

 

[dibo]

 

[midfielder]

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"