Jokes

[hasbeen]

Ryanair Payback.

Lets spare a thought for Michael OLeary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said that will be one Euro please, Mr. OLeary

To which Michael replied, Unbelievable thats a very competitive price and handed over his money.

Now, will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir? enquired the barman.

 

[midfielder]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

 

[Mr Cleansheets]

I don't think much of those so-called speed humps. If anything, they slow you down!

 

[Tadpohle]

Can you name the three english football teams with a swear word in the name ???????

Sc**thorpe, ARSEnal and Manchester F**king United

 

[Arabmariner]

Not very pc but what the hell here goes......

Paddy's taking up boxing and gets sent for the medical.

Doc:"Paddy you've got sugar diabetes"

Paddy:" No problem.When do I fight the black **** !"

;D

Sorry.

 

[hasbeen]

Gary Coleman, now I'm no doctor, but wouldn't a brain heamorrage be sort of a different stroke?

 

[nikko]

Insert your Ernie Dingo jokes here

 

[serious14]

What do you call a one legged woman??

Eileen Dover.

 

[hasbeen]

What do you call a rodent on ecstacy?

Madferret

 

[MrCelery]

VAN BOMMEL'D: (Eg. "I've been Van Bommel'd") Derived from the name of Dutch National Team member Mark Van Bommel, and indicates the savage assault of a player on the field without the notice of the referee. 

 

[Arabmariner]

We went to KFC tonight and got the 'Julia Gillard meal' consisting of.....

Two small breasts,two large thighs and a big red box.

;D

 

[FFC Mariner]

LOLOLOL

 

[dibo]

joke editing from a joke paper:

http://twitpic.com/26zfdy

 

[hasbeen]

I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head...

Yes... life was tough in the gateau

 

[hasbeen]

For my son's birthday we bought him an iPod. For my daughter's birthday we bought her an iPhone and for my birthday I received an iPad. Thinking along the same lines, I bought my wife for her birthday an iRon ... and thats where it all went horribly wrong

 

[hasbeen]

A man walks into Dymocks and asks "Have you got that new self-help book for men,the one about having a small penis?"

The woman behind the counter replies "It's not in yet".

The man says "Yes, that's the one".

 

[hasbeen]

President Obama sent $4,000,000 Dollars aid to Northern Ireland as soon as he heard about Hurricane Higgins

 

[midfielder]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was suing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details. Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what the **** would you have said'?

 

[midfielder]

If you want a good laugh just listen to this ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7aGYigvHU4

 

[hasbeen]

My dear old Nan is a funny old thing. I went round there today and she had knitted me a yellow jumper with the words "ALL JETS FANS SHOULD BE TORTURED, THEN SHOT" across the front in big letters. I said "Bloody Hell Nan ,I can't wear that..........its a medium!"