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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
- Start date
kevrenor
Well-Known Member
Saesneg bigo!
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, ‘Joe, we both loved Football all our lives, and we played Football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s Football there.’
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,’ Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, ‘Mike–Mike.’
‘Who is it?’ Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’
‘Mike–it’s me, Joe.’
‘You’re not Joe. Joe just died.’
‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,’ insists the voice.
‘Joe! Where are you?’
‘In heaven’, replies Joe. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’
‘Tell me the good news first,’ says Mike.
The good news,’ Joe says,’ is that there’s Football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play Football all we want, and we never get tired.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ says Mike. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news ?’
“You’re in the team Tuesday ! “
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, ‘Joe, we both loved Football all our lives, and we played Football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s Football there.’
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,’ Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, ‘Mike–Mike.’
‘Who is it?’ Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’
‘Mike–it’s me, Joe.’
‘You’re not Joe. Joe just died.’
‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,’ insists the voice.
‘Joe! Where are you?’
‘In heaven’, replies Joe. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’
‘Tell me the good news first,’ says Mike.
The good news,’ Joe says,’ is that there’s Football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play Football all we want, and we never get tired.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ says Mike. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news ?’
“You’re in the team Tuesday ! “
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
midfielder
Well-Known Member
A young woman was about to finish her first year of university. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very labor minded, and she was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programs – in other words, the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch blue-ribbon liberal, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had attended, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing at university.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?” She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so popular on campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”
Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has 50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, and certainly that would be fair and equal.”
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Liberal side of the fence.”
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch blue-ribbon liberal, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had attended, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing at university.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?” She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so popular on campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”
Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has 50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, and certainly that would be fair and equal.”
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Liberal side of the fence.”
midfielder
Well-Known Member
THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we were friends.'
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we were friends.'
Capn Gus Bloodbeard
Well-Known Member
Oh good lord......
midfielder
Well-Known Member
midfielder
Well-Known Member
An Australian preacher addressing his outback congregation said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, a young man got in line, and when it was his turn,
the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Henry replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands,
stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?"
Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, a young man got in line, and when it was his turn,
the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Henry replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands,
stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?"
Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
A young man comes into a bar and it's obvious to his mates he has a little to much to drink...
He proudly punches the bar and says ... got my first blowjob today... well that calls for a another drink his mates say.... Naaaa says the young man just had a few and nothing takes the taste outa your mouth...
He proudly punches the bar and says ... got my first blowjob today... well that calls for a another drink his mates say.... Naaaa says the young man just had a few and nothing takes the taste outa your mouth...
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