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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
- Start date
midfielder
Well-Known Member
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
style_cafe
Well-Known Member
How much did you make collecting fares??????????
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
midfielder
Well-Known Member
A woman goes to her gynecologist and says "Doctor, Doctor. I think something is dreadfully wrong"
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"
Woman: "Every time I open my legs, my vagina starts singing 'Good Old Jets Forever'!!"
Doctor: "Dont worry about it dear. Heaps of kunts sing that song."
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"
Woman: "Every time I open my legs, my vagina starts singing 'Good Old Jets Forever'!!"
Doctor: "Dont worry about it dear. Heaps of kunts sing that song."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!" Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it."
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!" Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
A boy wants to impress his very first girlfriend, he figures the best way to do it is to take his girlfriend to prom.
To make the night special, he needs a few things.
First, he goes to a suit shop. There are alot of other boys there waiting in line to get a suit. The boy waits in line, and eventually gets his suit.
Next, he goes to a flower shop. There are alot of boys there waiting i'm line to buy flowers too. The boy waits in line and eventually gets his flowers.
Next the boy goes to a car dealer that rented out limos. There was a huge line there too. The boy was very patient i'm line and eventually rented the limo.
The night of the prom arrived. The boy and his girlfriend danced and had a wonderful time. The girl got thirsty and asked the boy to get her some punch. He went to the serving table and there was no punch line.
To make the night special, he needs a few things.
First, he goes to a suit shop. There are alot of other boys there waiting in line to get a suit. The boy waits in line, and eventually gets his suit.
Next, he goes to a flower shop. There are alot of boys there waiting i'm line to buy flowers too. The boy waits in line and eventually gets his flowers.
Next the boy goes to a car dealer that rented out limos. There was a huge line there too. The boy was very patient i'm line and eventually rented the limo.
The night of the prom arrived. The boy and his girlfriend danced and had a wonderful time. The girl got thirsty and asked the boy to get her some punch. He went to the serving table and there was no punch line.
midfielder
Well-Known Member
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining
but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining
but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
sydmariner
Well-Known Member
Q. what does a blond do after she brushes her hair
A. she pulls up her pants
A. she pulls up her pants
midfielder
Well-Known Member
If a Sydney FC and a Scum fan jumped off a 12 story building at the same time who would hit the ground first?
Who gives a F
Who gives a F
true believer
Well-Known Member
the christian gene
sydmariner
Well-Known Member
u forgot the rbb
midfielder
Well-Known Member
A Biker walked into a chemist shop in NEWCASTLE, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get ?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads...'
I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get ?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads...'
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