Jokes

[FFC Mariner]

I lost in the pub quiz last night by one point. The question was: "Where do women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, the correct answer is Africa!

LOL

 

[FFC Mariner]

How do you make a duck sing?




Stick it in the oven until its bill withers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIdIqbv7SPo

 

[Capn Gus Bloodbeard]

Oh good lord....

 

[Dr Nick]

my life with the ladies is just like a rollercoaster - weight restrictions apply

 

[Capn Gus Bloodbeard]

I thought it was because you only go once a year, you need to stand in line for 45min first and it's all over 90 seconds later?

 

[midfielder]

I thought it was because you only go once a year, you need to stand in line for 45min first and it's all over 90 seconds later?

Cruel U R

 

[midfielder]

Dibo this is for you..

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

 

[midfielder]

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

 

[hasbeen]

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

 

[hasbeen]

Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

 

[dibo]

How do you greet a Jewish New Zealander?

Hebrew.

 

[serious14]

How do you greet a Jewish New Zealander?

Hebrew.

HA!!!!

 

[kevrenor]

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Get the accent right (stolen from fb):

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."...

(declaration: my dad was born in Oldham Lancs, which is nowt Yorkshire but too damn close)

 

[serious14]

Get the accent right (stolen from fb):

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."...

(declaration: my dad was born in Oldham Lancs, which is nowt Yorkshire but too damn close)

Shit..... I need to get out of this place, I've been using those words for months now. 

"'Ent nowt like a neet art en 'tarn like". 

 

[FFC Mariner]

Proves my point.

Go North of Watford and its all Scotland (or near enough)

 

[serious14]

Proves my point.

Go North of Watford and its all Scotland (or near enough)

Tory-loving Thatcherite.

 

[hasbeen]

Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

 

[FFC Mariner]

Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

quality

 

[radar]

my life with the ladies is just like a rollercoaster - weight restrictions apply

you must be this tall to ride

 

[radar]

my life with the ladies is just like a rollercoaster - weight restrictions apply

you must be this tall to ride