Jokes

[hasbeen]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your Xmas but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the father says.
We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
Like hell they're getting divorced! she shouts, I'll take care of this!
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father
You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

 

[hasbeen]

man walks into a chippy with a cod under his arm

asks the guy behind the counter 'do you sell fishcakes?'

'of course' he replies

'oh good' says the man 'its his birthday!'

 

[hasbeen]

A little old man totters into a chemist for some viagra. "I need them cutting into quarters" he says.
The chemist replies "A quarter tablet will not be enough to give you a full erection sir!"
The old man says "I'm 96 and don't have much use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough to stop me pissing on my slippers!"

 

[hasbeen]

A fella hates the wife's cat with such a passion he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home, it`s there.
Next day he drives 50 odd mile and then dumps the cat.
When he gets home, it`s there.
So the following day he sets off and drives to the other end of the country and dumps the cat.
One hour later he rings his wife and asks "Is the cat home love ?"
"Yes why?" asks the wife.
"Put the c**t on" he says, "I`m f***ing lost".

 

[FFC Mariner]

FACE
Has it fallen on one side?

ARMS
Can they raise both arms and keep them there?

SPEECH
Is their speech slurred?

If so time to get her knickers off the Vodkas kicked in.

 

[LFCMariners]

New Moon: The story of a girls choice between Beastiality and Necrophilia

First Blood: The story of a 12 year old girl.
Octopussy: The story of a woman with 8 vaginas.
(Credit to Rodney Rude for both!)

(And now for the joke that made me very nearly piss myself the first time I heard it as a 10 year old):

A young boy goes to the marble pits one lunchtime at school. Two 6th graders are playing, one loses and says "Ah shit!"

The boy goes home that night and asks his mum what shit means. Awkwardly, she replies "Shit means food."

The next day at the marble pits, the boy is watching two other kids playing when one loses and yells "Oh get f**ked!" That night the boy goes home and asks his mum what it means. "Get f**ked" says his mum, "is another expression for getting dressed."

The next day the boy is at the marble pits again. A group of kids are playing and one of them is accused of cheating. He gets up and storms off, saying "You guys are all bastards!" That night, again the boy asks his mum the meaning of the word. She sharply replies that "It just means visitors."

That weekend, the boy is downstairs at home when some work colleagues of his mothers' knock on the front door. The boy answers with a big smile and says "Hello you bastards, come in! There's shit on the table and Mum's upstairs getting f**ked!"

 

[hasbeen]

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Hughie ?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change". Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "You'll have to do better than that. Hughie," said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

 

[hasbeen]

Just back from the Hospital. They reckon I might have Pneumonoultrmicroscopicsilicovolcanconosis, But its hard to say...

 

[LFCMariners]

Snow White comes home to the Dwarves' cottage one evening and opens the front door.
"Hello? Anyone here?" she calls out.
"Yes of course I'm here, what the f**k do you want?" grunts a voice.
"Oh good" says Snow White "Grumpy is here."
"Oh hi Snow White!" says a cheery voice "help yourself to what's in the fridge, I'm glad you're home again!"
"Oh good" says Snow White "Happy is here as well!"
All is silent a moment, then a voice yells "Mariners to win the 2010 Premiership! Disco Nik is the greatest striker in the league!"
"Oh hello!" says Snow White. "I didn't know you were here too, Dopey!"

 

[hasbeen]

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. Boy, did she hit the roof ... 

 

[Sym]

LOL

 

[hasbeen]

An Irish family have been found frozen to death outside the Dublin Odeon Cinema! They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see "Closed for the Winter"

 

[Ranyen]

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there.

 

[midfielder]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'

124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

 

[MagpieMariner]

The Lone Ranger & Tonto rode into town, tied up their horses outside the saloon and went in for a drink.
A little bit later, one huge dude, about 6 feet 14 tall and as wide as 3 brick shithouses, slams through the batwings and roars "Who owns them 2 hosses tied up outside?"
The Lone Ranger clears his gun hand, moves out into the centre of the bar room and answers "We do stranger, you have a problem?"
The big guy answers "Nope, but your horses do, it's stinkin' hot out there and they don't look real good."
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto "Tonto, go out and run around the horses for a while and make a bit of a breeze to cool them down."
"OK Kemo Sabay," and Tonto goes out.
A little later still, and another big dude, twice the size of the first, barrels in and yells, "Who owns them 2 hosses tied up outside?"
Once again the Lone Ranger clears his gun hand and replies "I do stranger, you got a problem with that?"
The big guy replies "Nope, just wanted to tell ya, ya've left your injun runnin'".

 

[111]

That kiwi joke was racist to Kareem!!

 

[bjw]

Bluetounge Stadium Drainage
/thread

 

[FFC Mariner]

Bluetounge Stadium Drainage
/thread

winner - Hang your heads in shame Gos Council

 

[~Floss~]

We all knew the drainage didn't work, this was proven when the SFC match was postponed.

The real joke is the repairs they supposedly had done (around last April??? IIRC)

Doesn't appear to have achieved anything; the rain yesterday was much less than the first wash-out

 

[hasbeen]

I lost in the pub quiz last night by one point. The question was: "Where do women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, the correct answer is Africa!