Jokes

[Man Overboard]

Putin visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the Pravda office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. “President Putin among pigs,” “President Putin and pigs,” and “Pigs surround President Putin” are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: “Third from left – President Putin.”

 

[Man Overboard]

A Russian farmer visiting Moscow parked his truck outside the Kremlin. A police officer said "You cant park here. This is the Kremlin". The farmer says "That's OK I'll take the key with me".

 

[sydmariner]

Newcastle Jets

 

[midfielder]

The pope is in Australia handing out miracles to kids in Newcastle. Billy walks on stage and asks him “can you help me with my hearing”?

The pope says “yes” and puts his hands on Billy’s ears and prays, he removes his hands and says “how is your hearing now”?

Billy says “I don’t know, it’s not until next Wednesday”….

 

[midfielder]

You need to understand this the history of gummy bears in the US... they for a fair while caused massive toilet issues.... many on planes and places you need a toilet in a hurry.

This link is one such story .... its quite long.... but well worth the read....

enjoy...

Gummy Bears - Explosion in Airport Security! - Dear Customer Relations

We've all heard about the laxative effects of sugar-free Gummy Bears right? Well, Jeffrey Lambert hadn't. Nor had the guys in airport security!

dearcustomerrelations.com

 

[midfielder]

A foreign tourist arrived in America and was held at gunpoint.

The man said "give me all your money and I'll let you live".

The tourist replied "oh you must be what they refer to here as a doctor".

 

[midfielder]

Not a joke but I was watching a youtube on the Darwin awards and while normally given to people who have died they extented this list to people who made themselves infertile so they could not bred...

AnyWho, this guy in the states when into a store to rob it at gun point... the owner panicked and in trying to hand over what the robber wanted he spilled a frying pan of hot fat on the robbers pants around his groin... the robber then went to move or whatever his pants from around his groin and accidently fired his gun shot off his willy....

Just after six minutes.

 

[midfielder]

A couple met in a bar on a Friday night, they hit it off and went back to her apartment, after a hot and steamy night, the lady made the man a lovely breakfast.

After breakfast, the emotions got the better of them and they spent most of Saturday and Saturday night apart from meals. They were getting on very well.

Lying in bed on Sunday morning, they decided to go for coffee after another romp, the lady asks the man to pass her something from the top draw of her dresser… When the man opened the draw he saw a picture of another man, and asked is this a picture of your husband… she replied no…

No entirely certain, he said is this a picture of your boyfriend or a former boyfriend… she snuggled alongside him nibbled on his ear and said no silly… it’s a picture of me before the operation.

 

[FFC Mariner]

A couple met in a bar on a Friday night, they hit it off and went back to her apartment, after a hot and steamy night, the lady made the man a lovely breakfast.

After breakfast, the emotions got the better of them and they spent most of Saturday and Saturday night apart from meals. They were getting on very well.

Lying in bed on Sunday morning, they decided to go for coffee after another romp, the lady asks the man to pass her something from the top draw of her dresser… When the man opened the draw he saw a picture of another man, and asked is this a picture of your husband… she replied no…

No entirely certain, he said is this a picture of your boyfriend or a former boyfriend… she snuggled alongside him nibbled on his ear and said no silly… it’s a picture of me before the operation.

Night out in Bangkok then?

 

[priorpeter]

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally.

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

 

[Ozhammer]

I’ll see your aliteration joke and raise with a grammar one pp:

 

[midfielder]

Farmer Bob drives over to the neighbouring farm and knocks on the door

Little Johnny answers.

Hi John, is your Dad home?

No, he went into town.

Okay, is your Mum home?

No, she went with Dad.

Well, is Greg home?

No, he went with Mum and Dad. Is there anything I can help you with? I know where all Dad's tools are.

No, actually it's about your brother Greg, he got my daughter pregnant.

Well, you'll have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges 200 for the bull and 150 for the pig. I don't know what he charges for Greg.

 

[midfielder]

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, its the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[midfielder]

Man U fan reaction to the 7 0 loss to Liverpool.... priceless

 

[midfielder]

It was George the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant Full Monty breakfast. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the fiver for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, '**** him. Give him a fiver.'

The breakfast was my idea...."

 

[midfielder]

 

[marinermick]

The plastic’s grand final performance

 

[Elite]

Has anyone found Jamie Maclaren yet or still MIA?

 

[FFC Mariner]

Celebrate at 12.54pm
Or
6 to 1

 

[LFCMariners]

They’ve got their hype man, but we’ve got players