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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
- Start date
VicMariner
Well-Known Member
Why don't witches wear knickers?
So they get a better grip on the broom.
So they get a better grip on the broom.
midfielder
Well-Known Member
An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing.
The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."
The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
80, 000 blondes go to a Football stadium
For a Blondes are not Stupid convention.
At the front of the 80, 000 blondes is a stage.
World media is there it all be filmed.
The announcer says we need to prove to the world Blondes are not stupid
We need a volunteer.
This brave Blonde walks thu all the other Blondes and volunteers
The guy on the stage says thank you and for your test.
Whats 15 + 15 equal too.
The blond thinks for about 40 seconds and says 18.
The announcer looks down as if the grand experiment has failed.
Suddenly a surge in the crowd as the crowds chants
Give her another chance, Give her another chance..
Against his best instincts the announcer says Ok
The announcer then says
Whats 10 + 10 equal too.
The blond thinks for about a minute and says 95.
The poor announcer looks totally defeated
But again the crowd chants
Give her another chance, give her another chance.
OK OK OK says the announcer
What is 2 + 2 equal too.
The Blond thinks and thinks and after two minutes say 4.
The crowd erupts, cheers, clapping, screams...
Then the chat goes up
Give her another chance, give her another chance.
For a Blondes are not Stupid convention.
At the front of the 80, 000 blondes is a stage.
World media is there it all be filmed.
The announcer says we need to prove to the world Blondes are not stupid
We need a volunteer.
This brave Blonde walks thu all the other Blondes and volunteers
The guy on the stage says thank you and for your test.
Whats 15 + 15 equal too.
The blond thinks for about 40 seconds and says 18.
The announcer looks down as if the grand experiment has failed.
Suddenly a surge in the crowd as the crowds chants
Give her another chance, Give her another chance..
Against his best instincts the announcer says Ok
The announcer then says
Whats 10 + 10 equal too.
The blond thinks for about a minute and says 95.
The poor announcer looks totally defeated
But again the crowd chants
Give her another chance, give her another chance.
OK OK OK says the announcer
What is 2 + 2 equal too.
The Blond thinks and thinks and after two minutes say 4.
The crowd erupts, cheers, clapping, screams...
Then the chat goes up
Give her another chance, give her another chance.
VicMariner
Well-Known Member
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the Taronga Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the Taronga Zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the Taronga Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the Taronga Zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
A man walks in to a bar sits down and places a large bag on the floor. He opens the bag and out walks a little man no bigger than a foot tall. He heads towards the pub piano, climbs up on to the piano stool and starts playing classical music.
The bar man asked the customer “what’s going on here mate? Where did you get that little fellow”?
The customer says “there is a genie outside your door, he gave him to me. If you hurry you might be able to catch him”.
The barman runs out of the pub to find the genie. A minute later there is a hell of a commotion and thousands of ducks quacking all over the street.
The barman runs back in to the pub and says “you didn’t tell me he was a bit deaf. I asked for a million bucks not ducks.
The customer says “ you don’t think I asked for a 12” pianist do you”?
The bar man asked the customer “what’s going on here mate? Where did you get that little fellow”?
The customer says “there is a genie outside your door, he gave him to me. If you hurry you might be able to catch him”.
The barman runs out of the pub to find the genie. A minute later there is a hell of a commotion and thousands of ducks quacking all over the street.
The barman runs back in to the pub and says “you didn’t tell me he was a bit deaf. I asked for a million bucks not ducks.
The customer says “ you don’t think I asked for a 12” pianist do you”?
midfielder
Well-Known Member
A man and his wife are having dinner and the wife says out, of nowhere, "Would you get married again if I died?"
The man says, instinctively, "Of course not."
She presses him, saying he can be honest, it's fine. She'd hate the idea of him being unhappy all alone.
Suspecting a trap, the man still insists he wouldn't remarry. But the wife is persistent. She assures him she wouldn't mind if he did, and in fact, she'd really like to know that he would remarry, so that he'd have someone to keep him company in old age, so that he wouldn't be lonely.
"Well," he says, "I suppose I might, then, I guess."
She nods approvingly. After a little while she asks "Would you sell the house?"
Taken off guard, the man replies that, no, he doesn't think he would.
"What about the bed? Would you keep our bed? Would she sleep in it?"
Puzzled, the man says, "I suppose so.... there wouldn't be any real reason to get rid of it would there?"
"And my golf clubs? Would she use my golf clubs?"
"Well no", says the man, "she's left handed."
The man says, instinctively, "Of course not."
She presses him, saying he can be honest, it's fine. She'd hate the idea of him being unhappy all alone.
Suspecting a trap, the man still insists he wouldn't remarry. But the wife is persistent. She assures him she wouldn't mind if he did, and in fact, she'd really like to know that he would remarry, so that he'd have someone to keep him company in old age, so that he wouldn't be lonely.
"Well," he says, "I suppose I might, then, I guess."
She nods approvingly. After a little while she asks "Would you sell the house?"
Taken off guard, the man replies that, no, he doesn't think he would.
"What about the bed? Would you keep our bed? Would she sleep in it?"
Puzzled, the man says, "I suppose so.... there wouldn't be any real reason to get rid of it would there?"
"And my golf clubs? Would she use my golf clubs?"
"Well no", says the man, "she's left handed."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
The godfather’s bookkeeper, cheated him out of $10,000,000. The bookeeper Guido was deaf and dumb and that is the reason he got the job, the godfather assumed he would hear nothing so he could never testify in court.
When the godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the money is”
The lawyer using sign language asks Guido “Where’s the money”
Guido signs back “I don’t know what you are talking about”
The lawyer tells the godfather “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”
The godfather pulls out a pistol and puts to Guido’s head and says “Ask him again where the money is or I will kill him”
The lawyer signs to Guido “He will kill you if you don’t tell him”
Guido trembles and signs “OK you win, the money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house”
The godfather asks the lawyer “What did he say”
The lawyer replied “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger”
When the godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the money is”
The lawyer using sign language asks Guido “Where’s the money”
Guido signs back “I don’t know what you are talking about”
The lawyer tells the godfather “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”
The godfather pulls out a pistol and puts to Guido’s head and says “Ask him again where the money is or I will kill him”
The lawyer signs to Guido “He will kill you if you don’t tell him”
Guido trembles and signs “OK you win, the money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house”
The godfather asks the lawyer “What did he say”
The lawyer replied “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger”
VicMariner
Well-Known Member
Listen up people....
For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I drive around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my vodka out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn the stereo down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's too much drama and takes the joy out of Christmas
Cheers...
For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I drive around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my vodka out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn the stereo down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's too much drama and takes the joy out of Christmas
Cheers...
FFC Mariner
Well-Known Member
Get out
sydmariner
Well-Known Member
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