priorpeter
Well-Known Member
Anyone got the time?
Yeah, it’s about 6 past Glover
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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
- Start date
Yeah, it’s about 6 past Glover
midfielder
Well-Known Member
For Wombat & FFC and maybe a couple more...
My daughter just walked into the living room and said : "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, sell my TV and stereo and iPhone and iPod and my laptop."
"Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”
Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports Sunderland."
My daughter just walked into the living room and said : "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, sell my TV and stereo and iPhone and iPod and my laptop."
"Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”
Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports Sunderland."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Russian prime minister Mishustin comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he tells me he had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that plane crashed with Prigozhin on board? I called his family to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
"I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he tells me he had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that plane crashed with Prigozhin on board? I called his family to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
Wombat
Well-Known Member
Haha......didnt it used to be he is a Muslim?
Still a good joke but i'd actually change it to Liverpool for greater effect.
true believer
Well-Known Member
The earliest known image of Keith Richards, c.1140
true believer
Well-Known Member
batman ooh yeah
true believer
Well-Known Member
irish 12 days of christmas
true believer
Well-Known Member
marinermick
Well-Known Member
Merry Christmas you filthy animals
It think you’ll find it is ‘Ya filthy animals’ Mick but the sentiment is appreciated all the same ?
pjennings
Well-Known Member
A man boarded a plane & took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane and is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washed over him. She took the seat right beside him.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "So, where are you flying to today?" She turned, smiled and said "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he asked, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flipped her hair back, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I'll be debunking some of the popular myths about male sexuality."
"Really," he said, doing everything he can to maintain. "And what myths are those?" “Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to have the honor. Another popular myth," she continued, "is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best lovers, on average." "Very interesting," the man responded.
Suddenly the woman blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." The man extended his hand and replied, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "So, where are you flying to today?" She turned, smiled and said "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he asked, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flipped her hair back, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I'll be debunking some of the popular myths about male sexuality."
"Really," he said, doing everything he can to maintain. "And what myths are those?" “Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to have the honor. Another popular myth," she continued, "is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best lovers, on average." "Very interesting," the man responded.
Suddenly the woman blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." The man extended his hand and replied, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Donald Trump dies and goes to hell.
The devil meets Trump at the gate and says we are full, but you gotta come in so I will open three doors and you can choose how you wanta spend eternity .
The devil open the first door and there is Barack Obama diving in a pool and getting out, Trump says that look boring,
The devil opens the second door, and its George Bush chained to a pole breaking rocks with a big hammer, trump says I have a bad shoulder, and don 't wanta break rocks .
The devil opens the third door, and it Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with Monica Lwwinsky doing her thing, Trump says I do this one.
The devil then says Monica you can leave now.
The devil meets Trump at the gate and says we are full, but you gotta come in so I will open three doors and you can choose how you wanta spend eternity .
The devil open the first door and there is Barack Obama diving in a pool and getting out, Trump says that look boring,
The devil opens the second door, and its George Bush chained to a pole breaking rocks with a big hammer, trump says I have a bad shoulder, and don 't wanta break rocks .
The devil opens the third door, and it Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with Monica Lwwinsky doing her thing, Trump says I do this one.
The devil then says Monica you can leave now.
pjennings
Well-Known Member
I'll apologise in advance
A blonde died and found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. ‘I'm sorry,' St Peter said, “I'm sorry,' St Peter said, “but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we’ve been forced to put up an an entrance exam for all new arrivals.’ 'That's cool' said the woman, 'What does the entrance exam consist of?' 'Just three questions,' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St. Peter, 'is, Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’ The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' said St. Peter. “Now I’ll leave you alone for a few minutes so you can think about those questions and I’ll come back for your answers in a short while.” And with that he disappeared.
A short while later, St. Peter returned and asked if she was prepared to answer the questions. “Yes, I’m ready,” she replied. 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde answered, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this for a couple of minutes and decided that indeed, the answer could be applied to the question.
'The second question is How many seconds are there in a year?’ Saint peter said. The blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at her and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ and walked away shaking his head. A short time later he returned and said, ‘I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?’ 'It's Andy.' 'Andy?’ Saint Peter repeated incredulously. 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter. he paste, this way and that, deliberating. Finally, he turned to the blonde and demanded, 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited ‘til his billy boiled....' and the Blonde entered Heaven. I bet you’re singing it now.
A blonde died and found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. ‘I'm sorry,' St Peter said, “I'm sorry,' St Peter said, “but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we’ve been forced to put up an an entrance exam for all new arrivals.’ 'That's cool' said the woman, 'What does the entrance exam consist of?' 'Just three questions,' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St. Peter, 'is, Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’ The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' said St. Peter. “Now I’ll leave you alone for a few minutes so you can think about those questions and I’ll come back for your answers in a short while.” And with that he disappeared.
A short while later, St. Peter returned and asked if she was prepared to answer the questions. “Yes, I’m ready,” she replied. 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde answered, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this for a couple of minutes and decided that indeed, the answer could be applied to the question.
'The second question is How many seconds are there in a year?’ Saint peter said. The blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at her and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ and walked away shaking his head. A short time later he returned and said, ‘I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?’ 'It's Andy.' 'Andy?’ Saint Peter repeated incredulously. 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter. he paste, this way and that, deliberating. Finally, he turned to the blonde and demanded, 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited ‘til his billy boiled....' and the Blonde entered Heaven. I bet you’re singing it now.
Hello Sailor
Well-Known Member
A German is going on holidays to Paris.
A French official stops him at the border, inspects his passport and asks "Occupation?"
The German says "No, no, no, no, just visiting"
A French official stops him at the border, inspects his passport and asks "Occupation?"
The German says "No, no, no, no, just visiting"
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