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Jokes
- Thread starter Melsy - One step
- Start date
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Breaking news..The England & Wales Cricket Board have appointed Novak Djokovic as the New England captain. A spokesman said we appreciate he has little experience in the game, but we could not overlook the fact it took Australia 9 days before they could get him out.
pjennings
Well-Known Member
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking, but it hasn't affected my brothers though."
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking, but it hasn't affected my brothers though."
pjennings
Well-Known Member
With Barry Cryer dying the other day I thought I should trot out one of his jokes. It tells the story of a woman who bought a parrot for just £5.
...
'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' says the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'
'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'
So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.
'New place – very nice,' says the parrot.
Then the woman's two daughters walk in.
'New place, new girls – very nice,' says the parrot.
Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, 'Oh hello, Keith!'
...
'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' says the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'
'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'
So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.
'New place – very nice,' says the parrot.
Then the woman's two daughters walk in.
'New place, new girls – very nice,' says the parrot.
Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, 'Oh hello, Keith!'
midfielder
Well-Known Member
I was on holidays in the US and I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
dibo
Well-Known Member
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark."
Noah replies "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all you're the guv."
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well...
Sort of right...
This time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish...
Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp. Wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp."
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check."
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check."
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"I dunno" says God, "I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark"
Noah replies "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all you're the guv."
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well...
Sort of right...
This time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish...
Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp. Wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp."
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check."
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check."
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"I dunno" says God, "I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark"
dibo
Well-Known Member
A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya f**k one goat.."
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya f**k one goat.."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Accounting Ad... very funny...
midfielder
Well-Known Member
Guy's a bit of a dick... but I can see the humour...
marinermick
Well-Known Member
Why was fifty cents included in the half time suoerbowl show?
Because there were two quarters.
Because there were two quarters.
Man Overboard
Well-Known Member
Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over big pig lying in road. I kill it. I see farmhouse nearby; I think I should apologize to farmer for killing his pig."
Putin says, "Okay, make it quick!"
The chauffeur goes to the farmhouse, knocks on the door, and when the door opens, he goes inside. An hour later, the chauffeur emerges from the farmhouse with a big smile on his face. He is wearing a party hat and a Hawaiian lei, he has a big cigar in his mouth, and a bottle of fine champagne in his hand. Putin asks, "Where did you get all of that stuff?"
The chauffeur replies, "The farmer gave it to me."
Putin asks, "Why would he give you all that stuff? What did you say to him?"
The chauffeur replies, "I don`t know. All I said was, "I am Vladimir Putin`s chauffeur. The pig is dead.""
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over big pig lying in road. I kill it. I see farmhouse nearby; I think I should apologize to farmer for killing his pig."
Putin says, "Okay, make it quick!"
The chauffeur goes to the farmhouse, knocks on the door, and when the door opens, he goes inside. An hour later, the chauffeur emerges from the farmhouse with a big smile on his face. He is wearing a party hat and a Hawaiian lei, he has a big cigar in his mouth, and a bottle of fine champagne in his hand. Putin asks, "Where did you get all of that stuff?"
The chauffeur replies, "The farmer gave it to me."
Putin asks, "Why would he give you all that stuff? What did you say to him?"
The chauffeur replies, "I don`t know. All I said was, "I am Vladimir Putin`s chauffeur. The pig is dead.""
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