Jokes

[Sym]

LIKES EATING OUT = Fat & cant cook

I thought that woulda been something else..

 

[Jesus]

LIKES EATING OUT = Fat & cant cook

I thought that woulda been something else..

BAM!

 

[FFC Mariner]

LIKES EATING OUT = Fat & cant cook

it was but I changed it - bit too rude

I thought that woulda been something else..

BAM!

 

[Ranyen]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'

 

[Eternal Optimist]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'

Like that one, very good.

 

[Redline]

Yeah...that is awesome.

I had these ones sent to me at work...

1. Breaking news the NRL have stopped all investigations into the Matty johns scandal as the Kiwi woman has come forward and admitted she was un aware of the interchange rule

2. apparently the Bulldogs have come to Matty Johns defence and have stated that it is quite easy to get caught out with 14 players on the pitch                                                       

3. apparently the real name of the woman has been released. Her name is Joyce Mayne take what you like now and dont pay anything for 7 years.

4. I finally understood the words of the Kiwis Haka. For years I have been wondering what ''Come Matty come Matty'' meant

5. it was all a misunderstanding, her kiwi accent is to blame, she was screaming out fireman, and got four men instead

6. Newsflash - Matt Johns has stepped aside from the Footy show. Five of his Sharks teammates are prepared to fill in while six are happy to be in the audience.                                       

7. The kiwi woman should of just layed there while matty did the deed. Its common knowledge that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other sharks                                             
 
8. And Damon Hill is coming into the pit lane, yes it's Damon Hill  coming into the Williams pit, and Damon Hill in the pit, no it's Michael Schumacher! - murray walker                               

9. Andrew Johns is recognised as a better footballer but no one can doubt his brothers ability to put his teamates into holes.

10. whats the difference between Matty johns and the movie jaws? In jaws there was only one shark eating a woman.

11. A recent study shows that the Sharks get bigger crowds to the gang bangs than there home games...

12. The NRL have cleared the cronulla sharks from any wrong doing in the latest gang bang saga. They say benefit of the doubt was given to the attacking team.                                       

13. Breaking News. The others weren't all sharks. Andrew Johns got her stoned. Then Brett Stewart fingered her. Sonny Bill f'ked her in the dunny while Hoppa fingered her a'hole and Gower kept dunking his c**k in her orange juice. The only innocent player this time was Willie Mason, as usual he was happy for all his team mates to do the work!!!!                                                 

14. There has been a huge cancer scare at the cronulla sharks! Seven Years ago, eight Players all woke up with the same ugly looking mole on their cocks.

 

[T]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted
by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.


S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[FFC Mariner]

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious

LOL

 

[Ted]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the Chemist and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the Pharmacist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The Pharmacist said. 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.' The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The Pharmacist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

 

[jiggles]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the Chemist and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the Pharmacist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The Pharmacist said. 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.' The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The Pharmacist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

Why would they warn agasint shaving your legs if your using a hair removal cream?

 

[T]

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says, shall I put it on your bill?
Daffy replies
Dont be thucking thupid Id thufficate!!!!

 

[hasbeen]

This baby seal walks into a Club .... 

 

[Sacko]

This baby seal walks into a Club .... 

Was it a Canadian Club?

 

[dibo]

This baby seal walks into a Club .... 

Was it a Canadian Club?

on the rocks?

 

[jiggles]

This baby seal walks into a Club .... 

:O

I'm not disgusted by baby jokes, child sex jokes, or anything...but that joke actually made me sad

 

[Gopher of Pern]

So, baby jokes are ok, seal jokes are ok, but baby seal jokes are over the line?

 

[dibo]

it's not really a thread-worthy post, and it's kinda funny, so i thought this probably belongs here more than anywhere, but i've got to admit i had a number of other threads i was tempted to put it in...

The Onion Oh, No! It's Making Well-Reasoned Arguments Backed With Facts! Run!

By Matthew Barnes
May 28, 2009 | Issue 4522
Matthew Barnes

II think it's finally over. Our reactionary emotional response seems to have stopped it dead in its tracks. If I'm right, all we have to do now is smugly reiterate our half-formed thesis andoh, no! For the love of God, no! It's thoughtfully mulling things over!

Run! Run! It's making reasonable, fact-based arguments!

Quickly! Hide behind self-righteousness! The ad hominem rejoindersready the ad hominem rejoinders! Watch out! Dodge the issue at hand! Question its character and keep moving haphazardly from one flawed point to the next!

All together now! Put every bit of secondhand conjecture into it you've got!

Goddamn it, nothing's working! It's trapped us in our own unsubstantiated claims! We need to switch fundamentally unsound tactics. Hurry, throw up the straw man! Look, I think it's going for it. C'monc'monyes, it's going for it! Now hit it with the thing that one guy told us once while it's distracted by our ludicrous rationalizations!

Gah! It's calmly and evenhandedly deflecting everything we're throwing at it. Our deductive fallacies are only making it stronger! Waitwhat on earth is it doing now? Oh, no, it has sources! My God, it's defending itself with ironclad sources! Someone stop the citing! Please, please stop the citing!

The language is impenetrable! For all that is good and holy, backpedal with all your might!

Where are the children? Someone overprotect the children! They cannot be exposed to this kind of illuminative reasoning. Their young, open minds are much too vulnerable to independent thought. We have to shield them behind our unshakeable intolerance for critical thinking.

What?!? Noooooooooo! Richard! For the love of God, it's convinced Richard!

No time for tears now. Richard's mind has been changed forever. But we mustn't let it weaken our resolve. Mark my words, our ignorance will hold, no matter the cost. Now, more than ever, we have to keep floundering ahead with blind faith in our increasingly fallacious worldview.

For Richard's sake.

What's that? Now it's making an appeal to reason? Never! Do you hear me, you eloquent, well-read behemoth? Never! We'll die before we recognize what we secretly know to be true! The cognitive dissonance only makes our denial stronger!

We have but one hope left: passive-aggressive slights disguised as impersonal discourse. Okay, everyone, careful nowcarefulif this is going to work, we have to arrogantly assume that it won't be smart enough to catch on to our attempt to salvage some feeling of superiority andoh, God, it's calling us out! Quick, avoid eye contact and stammer an apology! Tell it we were just joking! Tell it we were joking!

Arrgh! Our pride! Oh, Lord, our pride! It burns!

All is lost. We don't stand a chance against its relentless onslaught of exhaustive research and immaculate rhetoric. We may as well lie down andChrist, how it pains me to say itadmit that it's right. My friends, I would like to take these last few moments of stubborn close-mindedness to say that it's been an honor to dig myself into this hole with you.

Unlesswait, of course! Why didn't we think of it before? Volume! Sheer volume! It's so simple. Quickly now, we don't have much time! Don't let it get a word in edgewise! Derisively cut it off mid-sentence! Now, launch the sophomoric personal attacks! Louder, yes, that's it, louder! Be repetitive, juvenile, and obstinate! It's working! It's working!

We've done it! It's walking away and shaking its head in disgust! Huzzah! Finallydefeated with a single three-minute volley of irrelevant, off-topic shouting!

Ironic, really, isn't it?

 

[Ranyen]

Swine Flu Update

I called the Swine Flu hotline all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I siad it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of
the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

 

[Capn Gus Bloodbeard]

Man that joke was hammy......

 

[Melsy - One step]

Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting. 'What's up?' he says. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says: 'Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your
closet and he's got no clothes on!' The guy slams the phone down and storms
upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the
wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on
the closet floor. 'You rotten bastard,' says the husband, 'my wife's having a
heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!'



Men

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?

A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to
pick only one.



Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.



Q: What is the difference between men and women:....

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.





Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.





Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to 'instruction manuals'