From the Fulham unofficial MB. If you havent seen the original Monty Python "Dead Parrot" sketch, check it out 1st.
Monty Pythons crocked footballer sketch
A northern man, Mr Brown, enters Honest Roys Second Hand Footballer emporium with a footballer
Mr Brown: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
Honest Roy: Im afraid the transfer window is closed.
Mr Brown: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this footballer what I purchased not two weeks ago from this very boutique.
Honest Roy: Oh yes, the, uh, our Bullard model. What's wrong with him?
Mr Brown I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's crocked, that's what's wrong with him!
Honest Roy: No, no, he's resting.
Mr Brown: Look, matey, I know a crocked footballer when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Honest Roy: No no he's not crocked, he's, he's resting! Remarkable footballer, the Bullard, ay? Wonderful free-kick he can take!
Mr Brown: Free kicks don't enter into it. Hes crocked.
Honest Roy: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr Brown All right then, if he's restin', I'll get him to move!
'Ello, Mister Bullard! I've got a lovely fresh fishing rod for you if you can run over here (Bullard limps across the shop)
Honest Roy: There, hes fine!
Mr Brown: No, hes not, hes limping!
Honest Roy: No, its just the way he moves.
Mr Brown: No. hes limping. That's what I call a crocked footballer.
Honest Roy: No, no.....No, 'e's on strike!
Mr Brown: ON STRIKE?!?
Honest Roy: Yeah! The Bullard model strikes easily, mate. Even when theyre under contract they sometimes cant be arsed.
Mr Brown: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That footballer is definitely crocked, and when I purchased him not two weeks ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to him being tired and shagged out following a prolonged half season.
Honest Roy: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Cottage.
Mr Brown: PININ' for the COTTAGE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Honest Roy: Bullard loves resting! Remarkable footballer, innit, squire? He once rested for 16 months on full pay!
Mr Brown: Look, I played him as a sub for 37 minutes and now hes crocked.
Honest Roy: Well, he was fine when I sold him to you and he passed your thorough medical, didnt he ?
Mr Brown: Well, err, we counted his arms and legs and he had two of each plus he coughed in all the right places.
Honest Roy: Well, there you go then hes fine.
Mr Brown: Hes not fine and I want my money back.
Honest Roy: Thats going to be tricky. Weve already got plans for that money. I tell you what, you could try and sue the owner of the shop, Mr Fayed. Im sure the courts will be able to resolve the matter in his favour and they can rush it through in about 10 years.
Mr Brown: Well what about a replacement ?
Honest Roy: Hmmm, Ive got a Zamora model you could have in part exchange. Give us 5 million and the Bullard, you have Zamora and well say no more about it?
Mr Brown: You really are a comedian, Ill see you in court!
